SINGAPORE: An employer has turned to Reddit with a dilemma that many parents may find difficult to navigate. After years of having the same helper care for his daughter, he is now wondering whether it’s time to let her go because of her growing financial troubles or keep her on because of the close bond she shares with his child.
In a post on the r/askSingapore forum, the employer shared that the helper, who is in her 50s, lost both her parents earlier this year. Since then, the family has given her three to four salary advances as well as around S$1,000 in condolence assistance to help her cope with the costs.
“Compounding this, apparently over the years (according to her) she had given all her salary to her parents and doesn’t have much savings,” he continued.
“She is now asking for further financial help, including additional salary advances and a trip home to deal with a family property matter – she wants this trip to happen asap within this month, even though we have a newborn and it’s not the end of her contract.
The helper reportedly told the family she needed money to cover “property-related transactions and government fees.” She also assured them that once the property was sold, she would no longer need salary advances.
However, the employer said he and his wife have struggled to get clear answers about the situation.
“When we ask what her exact plan is and what fees are involved, she gets irritated/defensive/confused, and it’s very hard to verify the facts—and often when it comes to financial requests, her reasons and stories keep changing, so it gives us so much headache trying to figure out the truth.”
The employer stressed that he is not especially concerned about the money itself. Rather, he worries this could be the start of recurring financial problems.
Based on what he knows of her, he said she is “quite a simple person” who is not particularly good at managing money and tends to rely heavily on advice from her siblings.
He also recalled a previous incident in which the helper nearly fell victim to a scam.
“If this is just a temporary crisis caused by the deaths of both parents, I would feel very differently. The problem is that I don’t know whether this is a one-off event or the beginning of years of ongoing requests and family financial issues.”
The problem: Her daughter has grown attached to the helper
As much as he has considered replacing the helper, the employer said he has hesitated because of the close bond she shares with his daughter.
“She has helped raise my daughter (now 6), and they are extremely close,” he said. “She absolutely adores our helper and will be devastated if she leaves. My daughter was an only child for most of her life, so she treats my helper like an older sister.”
The family also recently welcomed a newborn son, and the employer said his daughter has been experiencing the usual adjustment struggles that come with a new sibling.
Because of that, he fears she may be even more upset if the helper leaves and could associate the departure with the arrival of her baby brother.
“It’s also not easy to find maids who are willing to take care of babies, and I think my helper can do a good job regardless of her other problems.”
Attitude issues
The man went on to share that if it were not for his daughter, he would likely have replaced the helper years ago because of “the attitude issues.”
“The main reason she is still with us today is my daughter’s attachment to her,” he said, adding that he would not have even thought about letting the helper go today if the financial issues had not just come up.
While he noted that the helper has positive traits (such as being very clean, hardworking, and willing to put in long hours when childcare demands it), he also said she can be “prideful, defensive, and resistant to instructions.”
“This is probably due to both her character and age—she is 13 years older than us, and we only hired her during COVID because very few maids were available then.”
He added that she can be difficult to get along with and even took a while before she was willing to address him as “Sir.”
“She is quite stubborn about the way she does certain things. When we give feedback, she usually says, ‘Ya lah ya lah,’ ‘I know how to do it; you don’t need to tell me,’ and sometimes even, ‘You want to do it like that? You do it yourself la.’ Her first instinct when given feedback is to defend herself and argue and deflect.”
“We have tolerated because she eventually does usually take in our feedback after some repeated nagging, and we attribute her reaction to her pride and seniority. She can be downright rude at times—my parents, my in-laws, and some of my friends have commented on it. One time, my own daughter even remarked that ‘Aunty is rude to Papa and Mama but not to me’.”
Over the years, he and his wife have often felt they needed to tiptoe around her moods and reactions whenever they wanted to raise an issue.
“I’m not proud to say that I have raised my voice at my maid several times in front of my daughter and inadvertently set a bad example just out of sheer frustration when she argued back at simple instructions and feedback.”
After sharing the full story, the employer asked Redditors: “Am I being shortsighted or unfair by considering replacement now, when our helper is going through a difficult period in her life, and our daughter is also undergoing major life changes? Or is it reasonable to make a change because of the uncertainty around my helper’s finances and the overall employment relationship?”
“Trust that your daughter will be able to adjust.”
In the comments, some Singaporeans suggested that the employer let the helper go, but advised him and his wife to strengthen their bond with their daughter first.
“Start spending more time with your daughter away from the helper as much as possible. Your daughter should not be so attached to the helper to the point of devastation if the helper leaves,” one user said.
“It’s not healthy since the helper is not a permanent fixture of your family anyway. There are many other helpers out there who are fantastic with kids AND will have a better attitude, you just need to interview properly, have very clear standards, and of course some luck.”
Another wrote, “Send your helper home ASAP. You’ve done enough, and at this point, she’s trying to take advantage of you. Trust that your daughter will be able to adjust. Maybe she’ll like the new helper better, who knows?”
Others, however, felt this was not the best time to change helpers and suggested that the employer speak openly with her about his concerns instead.
One user explained, “I don’t think you should replace her. Training up a new helper at this time (with a newborn) will be awful. Talk to the helper and lay it out straight. She is already 50+, if she loses this job, she will not be able to get another stint as a domestic helper.
“Her family may be facing financial struggle, but if you send her home on a one-way trip, it will be much worse. You have extended all the financial help you are willing to give, and any further requests will be treated as a reason to fire her. Tell her how you feel about her rudeness and unwillingness to accept feedback.”/TISG
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