SINGAPORE: A man who once enjoyed a DINK (double income, no kids) marriage says he is feeling increasingly burnt out after his wife quit her job due to burnout, turning their two-income household into a single-income one.
In a post on Reddit’s r/asksg forum on Wednesday (June 24), he shared that he and his wife had deliberately chosen not to have children so they could focus on each other and enjoy life together.
But since she left the workforce, he says the balance in their relationship has shifted, leaving him to shoulder not only the financial burden but much of the responsibility at home as well.
“She hasn’t gone back to full-time work; she kinda wants to take her time and look for her passion. I work very long hours and earn well, so money is okay, but the dynamic at home has changed.”
“I come home tired, but I still end up doing most of the cleaning and picking up the slack. Decided to outsource this to the cleaning company to upkeep once in a while. I feel a big imbalance now.”
Whenever he raises concerns about sharing responsibilities, he said his wife becomes defensive and accuses him of expecting a “traditional gender-based division of chores so he just drops it to avoid a fight.”
“This stress is slowly killing our romantic spark,” he wrote.
She started criticising his appearance, but refuses to work on her own
The husband also shared that his wife has recently become more critical of his appearance, pointing out things she would like him to improve despite his efforts to stay fit and well-groomed.
“She pointed out some appearance gaps she disliked about me. I try hard to look good and stay sharp, but when I shared similar expectations, I got hit with how men are pigs for having a preference for women’s bodies. So I stopped asking or sharing.”
He added that he feels his wife has become less interested in putting effort into her own appearance.
“Slowly, my partner has stopped putting effort into their appearance and grooming. When I gently suggest dressing up or trying something new (I was happy to pay for it), it gets brushed off.”
Husband or dad?
When he finally vented to a close friend about the situation, the friend responded with a remark that stuck with him: “Not sure if you’re her husband or her dad.”
“This bothered me quite a bit,” he wrote. “I love my partner and want them to be happy. This might be hard to believe, but the above issues are not a representation of our marriage.”
“I just want to be able to solve this part to improve our marriage. But being the only earner is stressful, and the lack of help and intimacy is wearing me down.”
Hoping to find a way forward before resentment takes root, he turned to fellow Reddit users for advice.
“Has anyone/couples dealt with a DINK setup turning into a single-income marriage and the stress spilling over to other areas of marriage? How do you reset expectations about chores and romance without a massive argument?”
“You deserve so much better than this”
After reading the post, many Reddit users wondered if the wife might be dealing with a mental health problem.
Given that she no longer seems motivated to work, help around the house, or put effort into her appearance, some speculated that she might be crippled by anxiety, depression, or lingering burnout.
One user wrote, “I think you need to talk to her about her emotional and mental well-being? Could be over something like a relaxing walk in the park or something that the two of you do as a couple. Just check in with her, like how she’s been managing lately and if there’s anything bothering her.”
Another commented, “She sounds like she is struggling, so any sort of productivity (chores, personal upkeep, etc.) has all fallen to the wayside.”
Several others, however, had far less sympathy for the wife and were downright outraged on the husband’s behalf.
One told him, “Bro, you deserve so much better than this. No man deserves to be put down by a woman this much. Please do take care and prioritise yourself.”
Another asked, “I’d be pissed too. What’s she doing during the 8-10 hours you spend at work? I’m all for sharing household responsibilities, but if one person brings home the bacon, there must be an unspoken understanding that the other person needs to pick up the slack for the house chores. Maybe not 100%, but certainly more than 50%.”
To find some common ground, a number of users suggested the couple consider marriage counselling.
One said, “This may create long-term resentment and impact the marriage. Please consider help (such as couples counselling ) if both of you still struggling to communicate with each other.”/ TISG
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