Many parents have experienced the sting of hearing “no, I want Mum!” Or “only Dad can put me to bed tonight”.
It can feel personal. Parents may worry their child loves one parent more, or that they have done something wrong.
The good news is these preferences are often temporary and a normal part of child development, rather than a sign one parent is less loved.
But how might these preferences form? And what’s the best way to respond?
Why might kids have a ‘favourite parent’?
Research on infants’ attachment to their parents has consistently shown little children can form close bonds with multiple caregivers. But they often seek out the caregiver who has provided more comfort and daily care when they are distressed.
For example, if mum is with them more often, they are more likely to go to mum if they fall over and hurt themselves.
It also depends on the particular situation and what a child is used to.
If one parent almost always handles bedtime, a child may protest when the other parent takes over. That reaction may reflect unfamiliarity rather than rejection.
The preferences can differ between particular routines too. A child may want one parent for swimming lessons, and either parent for meals. These patterns often change as children grow and family roles shift. As another caregiver becomes more involved in daily care, school routines, homework, sport or emotional support, children’s preferences may change too.
This means a child saying “I want Mum” is usually telling you who feels most familiar in that moment, not who is loved more.
Are kids seeking out the ‘easiest’ option?
Children may consistently approach one parent over the other due to differences between parents.
For example, if one parent is usually stricter and the other is more lenient, children quickly learn who is more likely to say yes to their requests. Over time, they may start seeking out the parent who helps them get what they want.
It’s also important not to reinforce children’s behaviour if they keep turning a parent away. If a child says “I only want Dad” and mum immediately withdraws, the child learns protesting is an effective way to get the preferred parent.
This is why it’s important not to interpret a temporary preference as a permanent judgement about the parent-child relationship.
How should parents respond?
1. Don’t take it personally
Children’s requests are often about comfort, habit, tiredness or emotion during a particular moment. Responding with hurt, anger or competition between parents can increase family tension.
2. Focus on regular involvement
Not every family can divide caregiving tasks evenly. What matters for a child’s relationships is that both parents have meaningful opportunities to care for, play with, and connect with the child.
Small, repeated experiences matter more than occasional grand gestures. Research shows that parents feeling confident with everyday routines can help them stay involved and responsive.
3. Aim for a broadly consistent parenting approach
Parents do not need to be identical, but agreeing on key rules reduces the chances children will play one parent against the other.
4. Acknowledge children’s feelings, but be realistic
Kids can’t always get what they want. Sometimes plans need to change. You can explain this firmly but gently to your child. For example, if dad is putting a child to bed when its usually mum who does stories, you could say:
I know you wanted Mum tonight, and it is okay to feel disappointed. But I am putting you to bed tonight.
When it becomes a problem
There are times when a strong parental preference deserves closer attention.
Parents may want to seek professional advice if the preference appears suddenly after a major family change (such as separation), is extremely intense, persists across many situations, or is accompanied by broader emotional or behavioural difficulties.
Evidence-based parenting programs can help strengthen parent-child relationships, improve parenting confidence, and develop consistent routines.
My team’s research has found online parenting programs and even parenting seminars can improve child and family wellbeing.
For most families, though, children’s preferences ebb and flow. What matters most is not whether a child occasionally chooses one parent, but whether they experience warm, reliable relationships with both. Those steady relationships are far more important than who gets chosen for bedtime tonight.
